


I Remember

by Kantayra of Yore (Kantayra)



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-07-01
Updated: 2002-07-01
Packaged: 2017-10-19 04:20:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/196807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kantayra/pseuds/Kantayra%20of%20Yore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Buffy remembers her past kisses, suddenly her passionless relationship with Riley doesn't seem like it will work anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Remember

He kisses me. It’s sweet, gentle, loving… It’s everything a kiss should be. It’s everything I _should_ need.

He’s saying good-bye now, giving me that shy grin of his. I flash a bright smile back at him. After all, he hasn’t done anything wrong. I know that. He loves me. He’s doing everything he can to make this relationship work. But something is missing…

The problem is: I remember.

I remember loving so passionately and desperately that the world seemed to vanish.

I remember frantic kisses. We _needed_ to be within one another, to become each other. And no matter how close we came, we were never close enough.

I remember Angel.

I know he’s gone now, and I know that I should move on. He told me I needed a normal guy and a normal life. And I believed him.

So I started dating again. I kissed my fair share of dates. It was never as all consuming as Angel’s kisses were, but then I thought that Angel was a one-time thing. I would never feel that way in another’s arms, so I just might as well settle.

Oh, I made mistakes in my ‘settling’. Parker pops instantly into mind. The crowned prince of all mistakes. But the whole point of that little fling – and that’s all it was, even I see that now – was to move on. I just needed to get used to a touch other than Angel’s. Maybe if I could forget what it had felt like, I _could_ settle.

And it worked.

Suddenly normal guys were able to cut it again. So when I first met Riley, I was actually able to give him a chance. I decided I wanted to go for it.

That was until the spell.

The part that really irks me is that I nearly made it out of that damn spell unscathed. Sure, I spent the better part of a day making out with my mortal enemy, but it was only a spell. It was make-believe. And in my heart of hearts, it didn’t feel real. It was like something you’d watch someone do on TV. I was completely caught up in the I’m-going-to-marry-Spike fantasy, but it never really got to _me_.

His kisses were no different. The desperate passion wasn’t there, quite probably because there was no real love between us. If it had gone on like that, it would have been just another of Willow’s spells gone wrong. I would have been annoyed and mildly revolted and everything would have been just the same in a few days.

It was those last few minutes that changed everything. That Last Kiss…

Before the Last Kiss, he was no different than any of the other guys I had kissed since Angel. Oh sure, there was the added we’re-going-to-get-married element to the spell, but my fundamental belief that I could never feel the way I’d felt with Angel remained intact. Until…

Until I saw him thrown to the floor by that demon. I looked down at him, and in that instant a hundred previous incidents came flashing before my eyes. Every single time I’d thrown him down in battle, all our fights, our anger…our passion. At that moment I was living them all over again. I was alive in a way I hadn’t been since Angel had left. It didn’t even matter that I hadn’t been the one to knock Spike down.

His eyes flashed yellow with rage for a second, and then he looked up and saw me… And somehow I just knew that the same memories were invading his mind. There was fire in his eyes, the same fire I had seen every time I had fought him.

We were both predators in that moment. Killers. Warriors. Mortal enemies. And…lovers.

It was as though the world dissolved, and there was only us. Come to think of it, it has always been that way with us. Our fights…oh, our fights! Sometimes, in my darkest moments, I wish we could fight like that again. We were primal, savage, unforgiving… I’ve fought tougher battles, but none of them have ever been so… _satisfying_.

So there we were, locked into our own little world, rage and hate and love and violence flying all about us…and I couldn’t take it anymore.

I tackled him back down to the ground, and our lips assaulted each other. There was nothing gentle about it. We fought with our lips and our bodies just as fiercely as we had with our fists in the past. I pressed myself up hard against him, not able to bear even the slightest distance between us.

He clutched at me, crushing our bodies together, obviously just as desperate for my touch as I was for this. And all the while we kissed, and…

There it was.

That needy, burning, sinking feeling. I needed to be inside of him, to get under his skin, to become one with him and never, ever let him go. I could tell he felt the same. Hell, I could practically _feel_ what he was feeling at that moment. We were so connected, so intimate, so…

The next moment we each realized the horror of what we were doing. The mutual disgust and loathing returned in full, and it was all we could do to separate as quickly as was physically possible and loudly express our revulsion.

The spell was broken, but the damage was done.

I tried to forget, to tell myself that it was just a spell. But that didn’t help at all, because if a spell – or maybe even the love-hate of a former enemy – could make me feel _that way_ , then I could feel it again in reality. It meant that Angel wasn’t the be-all and end-all of love for me. It meant that I could experience those same feelings with another. It meant I didn’t have to _settle_.

Riley’s kiss was sweet. Really, it was. I know he cares for me, and I know I should love him back in return…

But can I? Can I turn my back on what I know I could have one day if I keep looking? Can I really settle for a relationship where I’m not truly in love?

And can I ever survive without it when I remember the _passion_ again?


End file.
